Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Game 12: 3D Ultra Pinball - Thrill Ride

You know, I was just gonna skip this. But I've had a change of heart, partially due to the terribly impressive screenshots I got from this game. I figure I can stretch this long enough to get a little bit of entertainment value out of it.

See, I was looking forward to this game. I like pinball, and I'm fairly certain that I have played this series on the PC or somewhere else and liked it. And video game pinball is usually okay if not great.

And so I started up the game on my PSP, heart full of child-like joy and other lovely feelings I can't be bothered to describe accurately. "Let's get some low-res pinball on!" I said to no one in particular. "Okay!" I replied to myself internally, praising myself as well for not shouting all my thoughts out loud while riding the bus like I usually do.

Okay, loading...some cute music...
Oh, good, I like Sierra games usually. Yeah, this is a good sign.
Um, okay, that's an unusual logo but these avant-garde developers will do anything to make you remember their games. Maybe this is a good sign and I'm about to play some artsy, meaningful pinball.
Okay yeah this is not gonna happen, is it? I mean, the music is playing fine and everything but this is looking increasingly bad. 

By the time the title screen comes up (the first screen shot above) I realize that something might be wrong. Maybe. So I try another emulator to see if that works. Then another. And another. And I get a different copy of the game and try that in all four emulators as well. Every time I get exactly the same results. How could this have slipped by the developers of four different emulators? I have no idea, but clearly this game is not in my future.
Ah yes, of course.
I power through the menus to see if maybe, just maybe the game itself will work. It could just be that the menus are glitched, right? They often use completely different systems than the actual games they sit on top of, so there's probably just something strange about the way they render. Yes, I am completely confident that the game will-
-look like a nightmare.
To be fair, everything functions properly, it just looks insane. The music is nice and the ball bounces all around the table like it probably should. But I have no idea what's going on. 

Ah well, that's okay. I'll just show you my photo album instead of playing a real game.
Day 1: Everything seems strange here, but I recognize the motions from somewhere.
I hold on to the ball like a flotsam in a raging sea. I cling desperately
for my very life. I do not know how long I can last.
Day 2: Strange thoughts keep appearing in my head unbidden. I feel as if
another consciousness is invading my brain. I hear beeping when I sleep and when I wake.
 I can't tell the difference anymore.
Day 3: Objects have lost all meaning, the ball relentlessly falls towards my flippers.
I keep it afloat but I know not why. I am no longer myself. If you find this journal,
burn it for the sake of yourself and for humanity. I...can't...I AM....PINBALL....
Alright that's all today. Maybe tomorrow's game will actually work! Maybe!

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