Game 30: The Adventures of the Smurfs

Did you know that as people age, they shrink? That's why my theory about Smurfs is that they're all extremely old people who read some dubious things about silver curing their illnesses. Hence their inability or unwillingness to remember words, replacing them with "smurf," the fact that they are all genderless (we all know gender dies with age) except for Smurfette (who is literally a construct and not a real Smurf), their terribly-out-of-date fashion, and their endless capacity for unfunny jokes. 

This is not a dig on Smurfs or old people - all of the above is good! I just think it's true.

What, you thought I was going to address a 5 year absence in the opening paragraph? Of course not, you know me.

Well, you probably don't know me all that well if you haven't heard from me at all in 5 years, but hey, that's on me. Suffice to say that I now live in the frigid north of the US, my politics are extremely radical (and tubular), and video games turned me gay. Sort of.

This is not the game that turned me gay though, nor is it my favorite Smurfs game on the Game Boy Color, nor is it much of anything at all! It is, in fact, a collection of minigames tied together by (horror of horrors) a top-down platformer.

Game 29: The Adventures of Star Saver

I'm sick of adventures. Can't I just stay home with a nice cup of tea, a terrible show on the television, and a snuggy? Apparently not. As far as I can tell, there are an infinite amount of games starting with "Adventure." It's endless.

Anyway, here are the Adventures of Star Saver, one of the least fun games I've ever played for this damned project. It's just so...ugh.

But we'll get to that, I suppose.

The Adventures of Star Saver was published (and developed?) in 1992 by Taito, known for such arcade hits as Space Invaders and Violence Fight. A company called "A Wave" was also involved, which is nearly impossible to google thanks to there being many articles with sentences like "a wave of destruction" or "a wave of delicious burning molasses." I guess they made a wrestling game called Astral Bout for the Super Famicom and I'm not sure I could care any less.

Game 28: The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

I like Rocky and Bullwinkle. I really do. I have fond memories of it growing up, it was the sort of cartoon that a 10 year old could get behind. Bad puns, funny accents, talking animals, rabbits being pulled out of hats. It was pretty alright!

The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, however, is another story.

Let's examine the title screen first. Bullwinkle (he's the moose) is buried halfway into the ground. Rocky is...shorter than I remember.

Also, there's a bee just floating around aimlessly. What does this have to do with anything? Does its random walk give us any information about the game at hand? Or is it just a warning to not lead an aimless life, to find something truly worth pursuing and use all of our energy to grasp at it?

And Bullwinkle looks so tired. He's so tired, and he's seen something that haunts him. Look at his eyes. Bullwinkle is ready to get on with the game because, if nothing else, it will distract him from the terrors of reality.

Bullwinkle has some messed up nightmares is what I'm saying.

Game 27: The Adventures of Pinocchio

Another exciting adventure awaits us here at No Batteries. Pinocchio, the very difficult to spell hero of such classics as "Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night" and "Pinocchio's Revenge," is a favorite for companies trying to cash in on a Disney classic without actually paying for the license. I'm all for this sort of appropriation, but it doesn't typically bode well for the quality of the actual product. Semi-underhanded attempts at cashing in on more famous media aren't usually known for their quality.

So I didn't have high hopes when I booted this game up, especially considering the wide array of mismatching fonts on the title screen.

But in a way, we've stumbled across a lost treasure of the Game Boy. The game itself is awful, but the story behind the game is very interesting.

Which is why we're saving it for last. Foreshadowing and all that.

Game 26: Adventures of Lolo

Look at that avant-garde title screen, my friend. Those blues and pinks and weird modern design. Like so many title screens, it is not at all representative of the actual game, Adventures of Lolo, AKA Lolo, AKA That Game With The Little Blue Fella Who Was Also In Kirby A Bunch Of Times.

But it is a beautiful title screen, no?

I really can't get over this amazing cubist interpretation of Lolo. The blues and pinks especially - the whole thing is really quite beautiful. I really could just stop writing now so we could all stare at the Lolo title screen forever and ever. But, you know me, I'll be pressing on until this horse is as dead as they come.

Adventures of Lolo was a game released on the NES in 1989 by HAL Laboratories, better known for creating Kirby. As alluded to above, Lolo (and his compatriot in arms, Lala) are better known for cameo-ing in many Kirby games as bosses, usually renamed to Lololo and Lalala.

(I actually think Lololo and Lalala are Lolo and Lala's children, and they couldn't come up with names so they just threw an extra L syllable on there, but to explain the detailed connection between the Lolo and Kirby universes I'd have to draw you a diagram and nobody has time for that.)

Game 25: Adventure Island II

I did a quick calculation before writing this, and if I keep up this pace, it will take me approximately 201 years to play and write about every game released for the Game Boy. I just thought you'd be interested in knowing this.

Look, it's Adventure Island 2! Who would have thought that the game that everyone knew had a sequel would be next? Who could have fathomed this??

So here we are again on Adventure Island, and judging from the title screen it's quite a small island. It makes me wonder how many adventures one could even have on an island of such stature. I mean, sure, getting abducted by aliens, but that's pretty routine.

As you can tell from the GIF above, the story to Adventure Island 2 is the classic three act structure that's used in most modern media. In Act I, our hero loses his best friend to aliens. That's the conflict. In Act II, he struggles, running back on forth on the tiny adventure island. That's the lowest moment. In Act III, he finds solace in a passing Loch Ness monster, and rides off into the distance. That's the resolution.

Alright, I think we're done here! Don't have to worry about playing this game at all, no-sir-ee, this is all wrapped up in a little bow. Yep. Just going to turn it off n-

Game 24: Adventure Island

Adventure Island has a long and storied history, and is almost as synonymous with the name Hudson as Bomberman is.

I have no idea about any of that, of course. This is the first time I've played an Adventure Island game, although a source tells me that this won't be the last one I play.

To be clear, there's a sequel on the Game Boy, and my source is named Looking At A List Of Files.

In any case, I think that it's important that we look at Adventure Island as a historic game before we just jump in to me saying "oh look I played a game, blah blah blah"

Actually let's skip all that. I'm just going to tell you why this game is super, super weird.